The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
