Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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