I'm sorry my penis didn't work
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
