I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
