we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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