I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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