i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
