bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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