M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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