mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I could fuck to npr.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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