I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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