This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
