im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
