fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
