So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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