So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
