Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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