The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
