it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize