Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
