I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
