so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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