I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
