Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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