two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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