The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
