but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
