and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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