It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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