to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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