alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
