I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
