Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
