I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize