My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
