My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
