Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
