Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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