I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize