Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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