so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
