I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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