I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
