Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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