I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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