I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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