He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
