I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
