So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You made out with two different species that night
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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