wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
BRING THE BAGELS
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
