I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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