He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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