making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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