U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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