Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
