At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
