Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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