I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Randomize
