I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize