Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
