Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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